Chronically Alive

Jeff’s TACE procedure got set up for the second week in April.  I was so worried about him, that I could barely think about anything else.  I would be sitting in “my spot” at the main building on my laptop, writing a personal essay about getting locked in the Quiet Room as a ten-year-old and then all of the sudden I would find myself writing, “Jeff…Cancer…TACE procedure…” in the middle of a bunch of prose about feeling like a caged animal.

“I’m going to be fine,” Jeff kept telling me, every time he saw my face cloud over, he knew I was worried about him without me even saying anything.  We had been hanging out together so often for so long that we no longer needed words to communicate.

“I don’t even feel sick,” Jeff kept telling me.

I tried to believe him.  He didn’t look sick, his hair was … Find Out What Happens Next

On the morning of Jeff’s TACE procedure, I jerked myself awake with a start.  I don’t know what exactly woke me up because when I looked at my phone it was 5:20 AM and my alarm hadn’t gone off and it was certainly too early for Nan (one of the two women who took care of me as my PCA) to arrive, but the first thought that popped into my head was “today is Jeff’s TACE procedure”.  As soon as I had that thought I wanted to spit it back out like dirty mouthwash.  I knew the procedure was supposed to help him.  I wasn’t scared of the procedure. The way it had been explained to us, it was a very low-risk procedure and I had researched it myself.  My research had confirmed the fact that it was very controlled and safe. 

The only real risk was infection from the … Find Out What Happens Next

Everyone in my family went to college, it wasn’t a question in my family of whether you would go to college, or if you would get a bachelor’s degree or an associate’s degree to start off with.  It was assumed that you would at least get a Bachelors’s degree and probably a Master’s degree or a Ph.D.  My dad had a Ph.D. in accounting from NYU and has written over 15 books, edited compilations of essays on business ethics that are sold all over the world, and has contributed articles to Encyclopedia Brittanica. He has been the dean of Yeshiva University’s Business School in New York City and was asked to be president of the entire university but declined because he didn’t want all that stress on his back.  Currently, he is a University Professor there (which is the highest level of professor available, it’s above being a tenured … Find Out What Happens Next

After yet another hospitalization at Berkshire Medical Center, this time due to another low potassium level caused by excessive diarrhea from my tube feedings that my body just couldn’t process anymore, Karen set up another follow-up appointment with me.  My insurance required me to have follow-up appointments with my doctor after every hospitalization, so I found myself at Karen’s office quite frequently.

“I don’t know how to keep you out of the hospital,” she told me point-blank.

“I don’t really know either,” I admitted.  “But this is how it’s been since I was a kid, although I have to admit it has been getting worse the last few years, especially since I developed my brain tumor.”

“I feel like I’m doing something wrong here,” she told me.

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” I tried to assure her, “it’s not you, this has been happening for years, it’s just the nature … Find Out What Happens Next

My first appointment with my new primary care doctor, Dr. Horf was just about a week and a half before my 26^th birthday, on July 2^nd.  Jeff’s 41^st birthday was nine days later on July 11^th. Jeff was my best friend in the entire world. I was secretly in love with him and he was secretly in love with me, but we were each terrified to tell each other the truth and upset the balance of our friendship even though it was obvious to everyone else around us that we were already like an old married couple.

We were planning on celebrating together at a lake nearby called Onota lake.  We had invited Nan and Jackie, my two PCAs (personal care attendants). Jackie’s boyfriend Jay, and his dog Bruno, and Greg, the lawyer I wrote briefs for and studied Jewish texts with, and some … Find Out What Happens Next