Beginning to Self Catheterize
Peeing in the toilet is overrated anyways. That’s what I kept trying to tell myself as I learned how to catheterize
I went two months without being able to pee normally. Then I went a week of not being able to pee at all. That meant a week of daily visits to my urologist, Dr. Metta. Finally, we decided that I would need to learn to catheterize myself. Neilsa the medical assistant at my urologist’s office had taught me how to do it in the bathroom in a grueling 45-minute session. I thought I would never pick it up, but on the very last try, I struck golden liquid. Urology sent me home with a whole bunch of catheters to sample and a whole lot of positive encouragement. My instructions were to self catheterize myself at least five times a day.
The first few days of self-catheterizing myself were the hardest. I spent a lot of time alternating between trying to catheterize in the bathroom on the toilet and trying to catheterize with a catheter that came with a bag in front of my closet’s mirror, or on my bedbasin and catheter in front of the mirror in the closet of my room, or on my bed. A good portion of my day was spent desperately trying to thread urinary catheters through my urethra and into my bladder.
I Can Pee Anywhere
Eventually, I discovered that I could catheterize by feel the best. It turned out that using a mirror or anything else to reflect what I was doing, made things worse. The easiest way to catheterize myself was to lie down on my bed and drain the urine into a bag. Some of the samples that I had received from Neilsa were straight catheter kits that came with a bag to attach to the catheter. It was such a relief to feel the catheter enter the squeezy tight part of my urethra, and then have the release. There would be a gush as all of that welled-up pee drained out of my bladder into the bag.
Because I could catheterize myself so much easier lying down in bed, I had the urology office order the catheters with the bag attached. This meant that I could technically catheterize myself anywhere. They even came with a lubrication packet. You could burst open the lubrication packet before even removing the lubrication from the package. Once you burst the packet you could shake it up to lubricate the catheter. Then the catheter would be all ready to use when you removed it from the package. You could then shake the closed packet and lubricate the catheter. That way it was ready to use when you removed it from the package.
Needing to Catheterize on a High Tech Potty Chair
It was no longer difficult to catheterize myself by the time I had the urodynamics study. I had stopped missing the right hole.
The urodynamics test was very uncomfortable. I had to go to the office with a full bladder so they told me not to catheterize myself for four hours prior to the procedure. Then Neilsa brought me into the procedure room. I sat on this funny potty chair that had a metal funnel hooked up to electronics underneath it.
“I know you probably won’t be able to go at all, but we need you to just humor us. Try to pee into the souped-up containers.” She told me.
The Urodynamics Test
Following directions, I pulled down my shorts and underwear and sat in the potty chair. For a good ten minutes, I attempted to pee in the container. Even with the faucet on, I couldn’t get any urine to exit my body through the normal route. Once it was blatantly obvious that I wasn’t going to be able to pee. Neilsa inserted a catheter into my bladder and drained all of the urine out of my bladder. Then she kept the urinary catheter in and threaded another type of catheter up my bottom. She also put electrode stickers around my vaginal opening. I was beyond uncomfortable and felt incredibly violated.
“I have this bag of fluid on this pole,” Neilsa pointed it out to me. “I’m going to open up the valve and slowly introduce the fluid into your bladder through that catheter I just inserted. When you feel like your bladder is full please let me know and I will stop infusing it.”
“Then what happens?” I asked.
“Well, the whole time we will be doing measurements, then we will try to have you pee. We will only make you do that very briefly, because we know that chances are you won’t be able to.” Neilsa continued.
A Numbed Over Bladder
“Probably not,” I agreed.
“After that I will open up the catheter to drainage and let all of the fluid drain out so that your bladder is empty and you feel comfortable. Then, we’ll remove the tubes from your urethra and rectum and you will be all set to go.
“When will I get the results?” I asked.
“Dr. Metta will review the results with you in a few weeks at your appointment.” Neilsa told me. “Ready?”
“I guess so,” I hesitantly agreed, feeling apprehensive and worried that soon I was going to either be more uncomfortable or actually have pain.
Fortunately, although I felt a steady amount of pressure going through me down there, I didn’t feel pain. It took until over ¾ of the huge bag of fluid was in before I felt like I had to pee. When I did, I let Neilsa know and she immediately clamped off the tubing letting the fluid in, so that nothing more could go in.
Failing the Urodynamics Test
“Just relax and try to pee out the fluid. It will be hard because of the fact that the catheter’s in, and because we know you retain large amounts of urine already. I’ll come back in five minutes, if you haven’t peed by then I won’t make you suffer, I’ll just drain the fluid out with the catheter.”
“Thank God,” I told her.
We don’t even need to catheterize you again. The tube is already in there. All I will have to do is open a clamp in the tubing down below.” Neilsa explained to me.
Big surprise, I couldn’t pee on my own. By the time Neilsa came in, I was desperate to have that urine drained out. As soon as she opened the clamp I felt relief as urine began to drain into the high-tech basin underneath me. I was even more relieved when I finished draining and Neilsa removed the tubes and set me on my way.