Jeff’s Possible Death Sentence
I met Jeff at Side By Side Assisted Living and fell in love with him. After being best friends with him for 6 months we began dating. He decided to go so far as to convert to Judaism for me so that my family would accept him. At one point we thought he had a death sentence.
We had gone to his oncology appointment at UMass Memorial Medical Center with Dr. Swizzer. The doctor told him they had found a shadow on his liver. The shadow was possibly a recurrence of his liver cancer. They referred him to a more local GI doctor to take a better look at the scan. Dr. Xander’s job was to confirm whether or not it was cancer.
After Jeff’s oncology appointment he went to see his team coordinator for the liver transplant team. They explained that if Jeff had a recurrence of his cancer he was in trouble. He would be off the transplant list for the rest of his life.
Horrified I had asked if he could possibly survive without a new liver.
“Jeff is requiring less paracentesis (a treatment where they use a big needle tap to drain excess fluid known as ascites out of his abdomen). He also has lower liver enzymes and lower ammonia levels. These are all signs that his liver function is improving. The problem is that with his liver the way it is, it will eventually develop cancer again. So it is just a race against time to get him the transplant before he develops cancer again.” she said.
Jeff’s 14 Lives
The good news was that we had just attended a doctor’s appointment with Dr. Xander. He was the local GI doctor that Dr. Swizzer had recommended. Dr. Xander had been pretty certain that the shadow on the MRI was nothing more than a mild infection or artifact. He was fairly certain that it was not cancer.
The amount of bubbly joy in the van ride home was so contagious. Jeff was. even able to con the crotchety old chair van driver into stopping at Mcdonald’s. The chair van drivers weren’t allowed to stop, but it wasn’t every day you escaped a death sentence. Jeff got a cheeseburger and fries for himself and a diet coke for me.
“I’m cancer-free, Becca and I are going to get married and have a life together, we need to celebrate,” Jeff insisted. Who could resist that?
“I swear I have fourteen lives,” Jeff told me. “I have even more lives than a cat!”
“I’m pretty sure I do too,” I told Jeff laughing, as I thought of all of my own close calls.
Craving Sex With Jeff
We got home and climbed in bed together fully clothed and hugged and kissed, I longed to get closer.
Towards the end of September, Jeff started touching my breasts and vagina while I was fully clothed. I would feel tingles of electric energy zing through me and shiver with how good it felt. I wished he would never stop, but to his credit, he never took it further than that. He respected my wishes to go slow.
Soon though, I was the one who wanted more, when he touched me. His touch made me feel so alive, intense, charged, and just so good. I knew that Jeff was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There was no one else I could imagine spending the rest of my life with.
I began to convince myself that it would be okay to have sex with Jeff. He was the man I wanted to marry. Jeff would be my one and only. It would probably take a lot longer than normal for Jeff to convert to Judaism than most people would. This was because of his brain injury, learning disabilities, and ADHD. Besides, who knew how much time either of us had left, we were both ticking time bombs.
My body craved that physical contact that I got when he moved his hands all over my pants, on top of my vagina, and breasts. The deliciousness was a tease though because I couldn’t let him in all of the way.
Sex, Virginity, and Popped Cherries
“Do you think that I should just bite the bullet and have sex with Jeff?” I finally asked Melody.
“If it were me I would have done it a long time ago. But I can’t even remember back to being a virgin,” Melody told me.
“Am I technically a virgin?” I asked Melody, who by now knew my whole life story.
“Did Bobby ever pop your cherry when he put his penis in you?” asked Melody
“Pop my cherry?” I asked confused.
“Did he go all the way in? Did he tear your hymen and make you bleed.”
“The sexual assault examination nurses that assessed me when I was ten said that my hymen was intact. I know for sure whenever he put his penis in me, he never made me bleed,” I explained. “They told me it was because he was too big and I was too little. At least he realized he would rip me open and cause severe bleeding if he actually did fully insert.”
“Well, then you are a virgin,” she told me.
“Well do you think that even though he’s not totally converted I should still have sex with him?” I asked Melody.
“He’s in the process of converting to Judaism. You guys are planning to get married, you love each other. He makes you feel amazing and has given you your first taste of a relationship. You adore him, and he adores you. Sex is a normal part of everyday adult life. I think you should make your own decision based on your own thoughts, and belief systems. But if I were in your position, I would have sex with him.”
The Logistics of Sex
“How does sex work?” I asked.
“Oh my God, do I have to give you the “birds and the bees speech?” she asked me.
“No, I know how the actual sex part goes, but do I need to be on birth control? Does he need a condom? Does he buy the condoms or do I? How do we start it? Do I just say “let’s have sex?” and then we take our clothes off and do it?”
Melody had another bemused look on her face.
“Slow down kiddo,” she told me. “First of all, do you still get a period?”
“Not regularly but every once in a while,” I said.
“Then you need birth control. I would make an appointment with an OB/GYN They’ll figure out the best one for you. If I were you, I would ask your mom for any ideas. You will have similar genetic makeup to her, so similar birth controls that work for her will work for you.”
“I should tell my mom that I’m planning on having sex with Jeff?” I asked incredulously.
“She honestly probably already thinks you have been for weeks to a month already,” Melody told me.
“You think?” I asked.
“Probably,” she told me.
“I guess I’ll talk to her about it then,” I told her. Trying to place pieces of this conversation together in my head.
Condom Questions
“As far as condoms,” Melody continued, “You are probably going to have to be the one to buy them. I just can’t see Jeff buying condoms. I have no idea what size to get him though. It would probably be a good idea to just try a generic size and hope they work. If he puts it on it and it looks too tight get him a bigger size. Do the opposite if it looks too big. There are also size charts online. They tell you how long the penis is and how big the condom should be.”
“I think I’ll just start with the condom chart online. That I don’t waste money buying all sorts of different ones. But how do we initiate the sex?
How to Initiate Sex
“Just let yourselves cuddle like you usually do. When he touches you in ways that turn you on, go for it. Start touching him back the way you like to be touched. When he starts touching, let him know that it’s okay to go all the way. Let him take your pants and underwear off and try to take his off. If you can’t but he sees you trying he’ll take his off as well and it will progress into sex.”
“I can do that,” I told Melody.
Melody smiled at me.
“You will have to tell me how it goes. Don’t worry if it hurts a little the first time. Or if you bleed a little from down there, that’s normal too. He’s going to be popping your cherry.”
“Okay,” I told her, confused again about popping this cherry business.
Sex Ed 101 From Mom
The following day I called up my mom.
“I think I want to start having sex with Jeff. He’s in deep with the process of trying to convert to Judaism. We share an unconditional love for each other. I’m also 100% sure that he is the man I want to marry.” I explained to my mom.
“As long as no one outside the immediate family knows, I don’t see a problem with it. You just have to make sure he wears a condom and that you’re on birth control. They have all different types of birth controls. There are pills that you take every day, foam you insert before intercourse, injection once a month, a little rod they insert in your arm every three years, vaginal inserts that you change every 3 to 5 years. I use a vaginal insert and a foam and have been using it since I had Micah (who was then 19 years old.). He may need to try a few different condoms before you guys find one that works for you.”
When my mom gave such a helpful response, it was like I’d been freed from a car wreck by the Jaws of Life, I was alive and safe and on my way to feeling even better.
That afternoon, I told Jeff that I wanted to go all the way with him as soon as possible. His smile was so wide it was stretched all the way from one of my teddy bear hammocks to the next one sheer across the room.
Jeff and His Amtrak Penis
“I just don’t know what size condom you wear,” I told him.
“Oh, I don’t need condoms,” he told me. “I’m like Amtrack I always pull out on time. My little swimmers aren’t going anywhere, they won’t have a chance at making any babies.
“Can I just measure your penis so that I can buy you the right size condom?” I asked him.
“I have never had a girlfriend ask me to measure my penis before,” Jeff told me and turned away from the racing game on his tablet. “Especially not to figure out what size condom I wear,”
“Well, I’ll be the first,” I told him, “I can’t get pregnant, my body wouldn’t support a pregnancy, and I know you have no sexually transmitted diseases because the liver transplant team tested you forwards and backward before putting you on the transplant list, but my mom is insisting on it.
Condom Shopping
I had to pester Jeff all afternoon to get him to let me measure his penis. It came out as measuring a large, later that evening Melody drove Jeff and me to the pharmacy to pick out condoms and then she stayed in the car as Jeff just walked along beside me. I agonized over which one was the right one.
“My poor penis, I force it into small dark places and then make it do push-ups till it pukes and now I have to buy it a raincoat and a top hat and earmuffs,” Jeff told me as I started looking at two different packages of condoms, one promising “so thin you won’t even feel it’s there” and another promising, “enhance your sexual experience with luxurious feel”. I finally decided on the thin one, bought it, and brought it home.
Later that night we were cuddling in bed and Jeff began getting closer and closer, touching me in places that made me feel all warm and tingly and made me want to climb inside of him. I rolled over and kissed him hard and long as he began to slide down my pants and underwear.
Condom Resisting
It didn’t feel wrong at all, it felt so right, between sighs of happiness I leaned over and undid the zipper of his jeans and tried to slide his pants and underwear down, but at 5’7 and 160 pounds it was not an easy task, instead, I slid my hand into his pants and felt him. I had never felt anything that since I had been abused and that had been painful and given me flashbacks up until the very present moment, but with Jeff holding me so gently, caringly, and lovingly I didn’t get any flashbacks or panic attacks, everything just felt so right.
Jeff realized that he needed to pull his pants down himself because I was not strong enough and whipped them off, before getting so much closer to me that we were practically on top of each other, then I remembered the condoms.
“Jeff, I haven’t started the birth control yet, I made an appointment with OB/GYN but it’s not until next week, I need you to wear one of the condoms because I really can’t get pregnant. It would probably kill both the baby and me unless I got an abortion or took the morning-after pill and I couldn’t bring myself to do that. It goes against my personal code of ethics.” I explained to him.
“I told you, I’m like Amtrack, I always pull out on time,” he insisted.
Still, I wasn’t very convinced and made him try one on. Now, I wasn’t really sure what a condom was supposed to look like on a guy, but it looked like it fit to me like it wasn’t cutting off his circulation, but like it would stay on during sex.
Won Over by an Urban Myth
“This will just make it so neither of us feels the sex as much,” he said. “Trust me, you won’t enjoy it half as much if I have a condom on, and I definitely will barely enjoy it without a condom on.”
“I don’t know,” I said hesitantly, as my body was tingling like crazy wanting to interlock with Jeff’s and never let go.
“If we just have sex one time, your very first time, I don’t think you’re going to get pregnant,” he said. I knew that was an urban myth but I wanted to grab onto a reason, any reason, to interconnect with him and become one so I was grasping at straws trying to figure out what to do this very minute.
“I’m sure,” Jeff said. “We won’t have sex again after this until you get safely put on birth control.”
“Okay,” I finally agreed. I knew he was wrong about not being able to get pregnant on the first time, but I also knew I couldn’t resist any longer.
Pure Nirvana Sex
My body tingled so much and then there was like an explosion of tingling where it was the most amazing feeling I’d ever had in the world, and then Jeff pulled out and we both just lay there intertwined for several long moments where Jeff wiped himself off and assured me that all his little swimmers were now on the towel not in me, then he looked at the towel, it was all bloody, he looked at me, there was blood between my legs. I didn’t hurt, I briefly wondered if I had gotten my period in the middle of sex with him, and then I remembered all of Melody’s talk about popping the cherry and making me tear my hymen and bleed the first time.
When Jeff Popped my Cherry
Jeff’s face physically paled so much that all of his freckles looked like chickenpox dotting his cheeks, He dropped the towel stood there stark naked looking at all the blood still on him and the blood still on me.
“Are you okay?” he asked me. “Did I break you,”
“No, that was amazing, I’m just bleeding because it was my first time and you tore my hymen.” I tried to explain. “It really didn’t hurt at all, I felt no pain, just amazing thrills, and chills.”
“I tore your what?” he asked me. Then it dawned on him. “Oh, I popped your cherry.”
I was never going to be able to look at cherries the same way again.
“Did it hurt?” he asked me.
“Not at all,” I reassured him
“I’ve never had sex with a virgin before,” he admitted. “Are you sure I didn’t hurt you? Should we call up the lady parts doctor?”
“I’m fine, I’ve just never had sex with anyone before,” I smiled back at him
Twenty-Six and Gave My Virginity to Jeff
“Well, here you are, 26 years old and for the first time in your life, you are not a virgin anymore. Welcome to a whole new world.” Jeff said
He picked the towel back up, finished cleaning himself off while he handed me a towel for me, then he got dressed, got me redressed and we curled back together to watch a Bad Boys for the sixth time even though Jeff thought he was showing it to me for the first time as usual. His typical brain injury, possible high ammonia level issue. I played along and pretended it was my first time watching it as well. It really is a funny, super-engrossing movie with a lot of action, so I did enjoy watching it every time anyway. I felt his warm arms embrace me gently as not to disturb any of my tubes or hurt me.
Right then and there, I felt like I was Becca Pava leading the perfect life, not Becca Pava the Professional Patient or Becca Pava in an assisted living facility. I was a brand new Becca Pava. We were “Becca Pava and Jeff Harford in harmony.