Chronically Alive

Early Wednesday morning a man with mocha skin, a big white beard, and deep smile lines came to my room, room 20, in Berkshire Medical Center’s ER. 

I had spent the entire night in the ER at the point.  Earlier that evening I had come within seconds of overdosing on an entire bottle of Phenergan through my J tube after a horrific meeting at the assisted living, Side By Side that I lived at.  On Sunday I’d been molested by a man there named John and on Tuesday I’d been forced to sit through a meeting with him where I actually had to apologize to him.

After the meeting, I fell to pieces and the only thing that had saved my life from the overdose was a messenger message that Jeff, a man from Side by Side that I was so in love with (just secretly) had sent me.  In … Find Out What Happens Next

Being forced to apologize for being molested takes a lot out of any person, but when you’re a person that suffered from 5 years of heinous sexual abuse, it is horrific. Add to that, facing the person who molested you earlier in the day and feeling blame coming at you from all sides, as if it was your fault, you almost got raped by a man who was old enough to be your grandpa, well then you have the makings of a real mental breakdown.

After realizing that I was not going to just give up and kill myself because I couldn’t cope with how dysregulated I felt from the events of the day, I decided to call psych crisis.

Psych Crisis in Berkshire County (which is where I live at Side By Side Assisted Living ever since I was discharged from the nursing home Hillcrest Commons, also in Berkshire … Find Out What Happens Next

Over the last few days, everything in my life had spiraled out of control.

Three days earlier, on Sunday morning, John, a man who I thought was my friend and who I thought I could trust, had taken advantage of my naivety and sexually assaulted me.  Ever since then I’d been having non-stop flashbacks and intrusive memories disrupting my life day and night.

Earlier today I’d been forced to have a meeting where I had to sit in the same room as the man who molested me and had to listen to him try to blame me for what he did.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, after that I’d had to look at his smug self-satisfied face and offer him some sort of apology.

The thing was, I had no other choice about it, if I went to the police, if I refused to cooperate with Side By Side … Find Out What Happens Next

After hours and hours of waiting a woman from psychiatric crisis intervention came into my little cubicle room in the ER to evaluate me.  I had left for the ER around 5:40 PM, arrived here at around 5:50 PM and it was now 3:00 AM on Wednesday morning.

The last 24 hours had been so hellish that they were almost surreal.  Really, I could say the last three days had been days out of hell, but they had had some good moments in between as well.

Sunday morning I’d been molested by a man named John Halipern who I thought was my friend, and was really old enough to be my grandfather.  He was a man who lived at the same assisted living … Find Out What Happens Next

At some point, I must have fallen asleep writing, because the next time I opened my eyes, sunlight was filtering in the heavy mesh-covered windows.  My bed was still in an upright seated position, the notebook open in my lap, pencil clenched in my small fist, and cheek resting against my teddy bear Softia. 

It took me a moment to figure out where I was.  For a little bit, I was hoping that maybe the events of the last two days were just a nightmare, but then I wiped the sands of sleep out of my eyes and got a better look around the room.  Sitting in my doorway was a young woman in scrubs on her phone, she kept glancing at her phone and then tapping her foot impatiently like she was waiting for something, her break probably.  I was on the psych unit.  I had spent that marathon … Find Out What Happens Next

After spending less than 24 hours on my local psychiatric unit, an ambulance brought me home. I had tried not to cry after they told me that they were discharging me, even though I didn’t know if I was getting a death sentence or not.  I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to be able to stop myself from committing suicide once I got home or not.  The pull was so strong at times when the flashbacks got bad.

In the last few days, I’d been through hell. I’d been sexually molested by John Halipern, a fellow resident at Side By Side, the assisted living I resided in. Then I wasn’t allowed to process my trauma at all thanks to Eve (the owner of Side By Side) and Chrissy (the Nurse Manager of Side By Side) who had forbidden me from discussing it with anyone.

We’d had a … Find Out What Happens Next