frustration – Chronically Alive

Tag: frustration

Suicidal Ideation, A New Safety Net, and Action Planning

by Becca on June 7, 2021

Jeff, the man of my dreams (although, at that point, I hadn’t told him how I felt about him), was waiting for me at my spot near the fireplace when I got off the elevator and turned the corner into the dining room in the main building of Side By Side Assisted Living. Lesley, my private duty aide, parked me right next to him. He had a big impish grin on his face, but when he saw I’d been crying, his grin melted away and he looked concerned.

“What happened Becca?” He asked me.

“I’m not allowed to say,” I told him, “But I’m not allowed to have any men in my apartment anymore.”

“Who said that?” he asked me. “Your parents? They shelter you way too much, you know I-”

“It wasn’t my parents it was Eve (the owner of Side By Side),” I … Find Out What Happens Next

Tagged as: anxiety, assisted living, bending rules and going to my life partners apartment, chronically ill, dark suicidal thoughts, deciding not to overdose, depression, emotional pain, feeding tube, flashbacks to childhood abuse, frustration, gastroparesis, getting message from my crush, GJ tube, global dysmotility, independent living, J tube, make up meeting with my molester, more funny Jeff stories, Muscles Harford, my eventual fiance, my first crush, my life partner, needing to apologize to my molester, poor prognosis, post acute stress reaction, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, preparing to overdose on Phenergan through J tuber, ptsd, reporting childhood abuse, Side by Side Assisted Living, Small Fiber Autonomic Polyneuropathy, spoonie, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, total digestive tract failure, tubie, visiting with my mom, wheelchair bound

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When You Handle More Than You Thought You Could

by Becca on December 31, 2020

My friend Laura came to pick me up and bring me to the synagogue (Shul) every Saturday for the Jewish Sabbath services and every Jewish holiday. When she came to pick me up the day after I’d been promised by Tanya, the social worker at Hell-Crest Commons the nursing home I’d been living at for almost six-month and Jillian my main provider at the nursing home they would figure something out, I was far from settled. I had been forced to take a break from calling places, and asking questions (because it was the weekend), but I was still busy making lists and doing more research, and worrying my brains out of my head. It was like my brain was a washing machine set on the highest spin cycle and someone had put too much laundry soap in it so it was spraying bubbles everywhere.

I had plateaued in therapy … Find Out What Happens Next

Tagged as: Adlib, anxiety, assisted living, Chronic illness, frustration, handling more than you think you can, homeless shelter as acceptable discharge plan, impaired concentration, independent living center, invalidation, MassHealth, prayer, severe small fiber autonomic polyneuropathy, Sick, Side by Side, social worker friend, solace in nature, spoonie, synagogue, tubie